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Entry tags:
❪ test drive #6 ❫
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YOUR STORY BEGINS  The Storm came. You remember darkness, but you don't remember much after that. You don't know how long you slept, but the dreams were short. You remember the expanse of stars and galaxies in your direct view. Every world and solar system ever known to man was present in your dreams in careful, pristine detail. You also witnessed the Storm, which has devoured a fair portion of these galaxies. Your Earth and similar planets were assimilated by the Storm. Somehow, you knew it would be the last you'd see of your world. That was when she told you what happened. You knew that you'd be living somewhere new. The details weren't clear, but you knew it was a part of a deal with the entity known as Darma. Not long after, you'll wake at Thesa Station. Your body is still cold; it all felt like a dream, but somehow, you knew it wasn't —
CLEAN-UP CREW  While everything has wound down significantly from the strife and destruction of battle, the frozen image of Ysverai, the massive, rotten dragon, and the hole he tore in El Nysa's sky, on several screens of the station is a constant reminder of what took place. New and old refugees alike will notice that prolonged exposure to these images will leave them with a disquiet that gradually builds to actual pain. The discomfort starts from a crawling sensation, insects over skin, and gradually becomes unbearable. They will begin to hear the cries of Ysverai’s pain and suffering, first whispers, then echoes, then wails. Even after Refugees tear their eyes away from this footage, a strange itching sensation remains beneath their skin for several minutes. The dragon isn’t a matter for them to deal with, however. Darma made it clear that the Natha will find a solution. For now, everyone is encouraged to assist in the clean-up of the cities currently frozen in time. However, in interest of the current events and the fact that the refugees still have much to prepare for, they will be offering this help remotely. Several stations are set up where refugees can remote control drones to map out areas and pick up some of the lighter weight debris. Those more well versed technology are encouraged to assist those who may be having trouble getting started with the unfamiliar Natha tech. It seems like it’ll definitely take some getting used to, though. On the bright side, they’re pretty durable drones so if at first you don’t succeed, press the next button? To keep morale high during the clean-up efforts, one of the Natha have set up large hoops around dumpsites and a scoreboard program in the control room, though there's no sign of any directions or rules to be found. That's right, you can play a mechanized version of… some sort of game while you're helping clean up El Nysa. Just make sure you don't get too carried away with competitive spirit! For those looking to pilot something more heavy-duty, there are also cockpits set up for remote control piloting of basic mecha. These are very similar to the VR simulations offered on the station. However, they will not work without a partner. To be able to successfully move one of these, two refugees will be required to connect their minds and pilot in tandem. This may be a daunting task, but with the extensive structural damage to the cities, it's a necessary one. Piloting will require trust and cooperation to make it through. The more connected the pilots are, the more agile and powerful their mecha will be. For those who can’t seem to get on the same page, coordination will be a pipe dream. PROBLEMS WITH THE SHIP  By now it’s likely clear to all refugees, new and old, that for all that they may appear to be infinitely powerful, the Natha Orbiters have been shaken by the recent events on El Nysa. The details of Ysverai’s revival were somehow obscured from their view, and while they’re focusing their efforts on the planet, certain… abnormalities again begin to arise on Thesa Station. The most prevalent of the problems plaguing the Station are the malfunctioning doors. Walking through a door that should lead to a bedroom or kitchen (or, for the truly unfortunate, a toilet) will suddenly take refugees somewhere entirely different and possibly even new. And while this may lead to some accusations of breaking and entering, at least these mishaps can be quickly rectified by an apology and a hasty exit. That is, unless the door refuses to open again — the locks also seem to be malfunctioning. Still, those that find themselves transported somewhere familiar, though off-limits, should consider themselves lucky. Thesa Station is far more vast than most refugees are aware, and some of them might find themselves wandering into a uniquely sticky laboratory. This area appears to serve no purpose other than to house dozens of slimes. These slimes appear not only in a variety of fun colours, but with a variety of not-so-fun abilities ranging from harmless (spitting bubbles) to deadly (spitting fire). Regardless of what abilities a slime possesses however, they are all relentlessly friendly, and characters will need to be careful not to accidentally bringing one out with them once they manage to escape. Unfortunately, that’s not the only situation to escape from. Whether it’s in the mess hall or the bathroom, many will find themselves suddenly rising off the ground. … with everything else in the room, too! It seems like gravity control is also on the fritz. Fortunately, most open spaces aboard the station have a small control panel that can correct these effects. The only problem is getting there. Hopefully at least one of you refugees took that anti-gravity safety course. SUMMER TURNS TO WINTER  The news that the refugees should begin preparations for a return to El Nysa may come as a surprise given that the planet still remains frozen, but it appears there is one community that has somehow withstood Darma’s intervention: an area known as Nadril where time continues to flow freely. Not much information is available regarding this destination, other than the fact that it is isolated, and, more importantly, that it is cold. (Maybe characters should consider the malfunctioning thermostat plunging the temperature to below zero in certain areas on the station as preparation for their upcoming journey!) There are other resources available for those itching to take action, of course. There will be a new supply pack delivered to each room containing gear meant to withstand freezing temperatures — both clothing and storage gear to keep water rations from freezing. Characters will also be alerted to new training programs available in the VR room that are designed to assist with survival in the snowy regions of Nadril. The training programs will consist of a variety of tutorials that will assist in winter survival. Naturally, there will be courses on how to start fires, find food, and build igloos to withstand the frigid temperatures, but that’s not all. Due to the Natha testing their systems, there will occasionally be strange occurrences. For example, refugees may experience a snowball or two pelting them from out of nowhere, or they may suddenly find themselves being cloaked by a snow yeti costume, amongst many other inconveniences. Hopefully that doesn’t detract from the lessons to be learned here, as some of the training programs can include extreme weather survival, including the perils of snow storms or avalanches. SOCIAL-LINKED(in) By some miracle, there are still some quieter parts of the hall. This may be an appropriate time to check out your smartphone. Aside from the expected "Omage" app, there seems to be a new one called Social-Linked. There, you may find a profile waiting to be posted. The app allows for the user to fill it in, but there is also an auto-function! upon pressing it, it will generate a shockingly-honest answer based on the Natha's observation of your history. Roman will be your only friend in this app, with his very own profile: STASIS UNITS  During this time of crisis, the Natha have done their utmost to ensure the safety of those in cryosleep. However, due to the nature of recent events, they will be asking some refugees to do a quick check on some of the pods in the stasis unit. While they are definitely looking for any damage that may have occurred over these past few weeks, they also seem interested in getting a deeper insight into some of the occupants. On each control panel for the pods, there's a new application, asking observers to add notes and commentary — the Natha are looking for a more personal understanding of their sleeping occupants. Refugees are tasked with providing evaluations of the sleepers, based on both their knowledge of those from their homes and on what they can observe just by examining them in their repose. The application asks for how useful you think the pod's occupant would be in a crisis, what their skills are, what their best feature is, if you'd take them with you for a long walk on the beach, and so on… And, of course, all answers must be recorded out loud. Anyone passing by could overhear these evaluations, flattering or less than. FINAL OOC NOTES
As always, feel free to wildcard prompts within Thesa Station!
These threads may be carried over as game canon if players choose. Players are encouraged to submit TDM threads as application samples, but they are not required. Please direct any OOC questions to the questions thread below. New players may submit an AC-length thread HERE from this TDM for 2 Natha REP. In addition, old players who have not submitted rep for the Hour of Ruin log may also submit a TDM thread for 2 Natha REP. The due date for submission is July 15 11:59 PM EST. For this application cycle, there will be a cap of 60 and no reserves. Applications will be open on July 9 12:01 AM EST and end on July 13 11:59 PM EST. Thank you! |
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if there's a desk nearby, juno takes advantage of it, setting the bottle down because that... feels a little wrong too. it's been how many months since he left nureyev? how many months since he definitely made a mistake and doesn't know exactly how to fix it or that he even wants to? there's better out there, after all. better than someone stuck, rooted to a planet he can't just leave.
(a small voice in the back of his head says but you wanted to. and that's the problem.)
unsure of what to do with his hands, he shoves them in his pockets uncomfortably. ]
How long was I out for?
[ he presses his lips together. because it doesn't feel that look, but by the looks of natha's pod people collection, odds are that it might vary. ]
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In contrast to Juno's behavior, Peter is just...very much himself. Not the overblown, dramatic version of himself, but the calm, composed one. The initial shock passing, he steels
hahahimself for whatever this is going to be. At least Juno seems to be behaving. For now.]I couldn't tell you exactly, I don't know how long they kept me asleep. But I've been awake for six months now.
[...It's really been that long, hasn't it? How time flies.]
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Six months.
[ feeling it out in his mouth is... wrong. six months feels heavy. it'd been about as long since juno had seen the silhouette of nureyev's body under the sheets. the glint of his teeth in the soft moonlight, the faint murmur of his name as the door shut.
juno meets his eyes, briefly, clear and steady, before he looks at the bandage peeking through the collar of the shirt, brows drawing a little. ]
What happened to your neck?
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I don't suppose you've seen any of the screens showing the state of the planet below?
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he thinks back to the enormous screens he’d stopped by during his exploration of the station itself, feels a slight phantom nausea creep under his sternum.
hard to forget the sight of it. ]
Don’t tell me you got up close and personal with that thing.
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[Because that would be just plain reckless! Which is absolutely the opposite of what his actions...were...
Less reckless, though, surely.]
We refugees were tasked with distracting the dragon long enough for the native citizens of Wyver and Olympia to escape to safety. The plan was to draw the dragon away from both cities and occupy its attention as well as the attention of the man who raised it from the dead.
Unfortunately, it ate him early on in the battle. After that, it was mostly a war of attrition until the Natha finally stepped in to put the problem on ice.
[Metaphorically.
Peter tips his head to the side a little, considering something. He uncrosses his legs, recrosses them.]
I didn't actually intend to get as close as I did, mind you. [Well. He did and then Jim talked him out of it for a while and he....was going to stay back, but:] The dragon had a few unnerving effects. I was...more reckless in the end than I intended to be.
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of course. because even if there's no possible plan existing at all for nureyev, he's calculating in his designs.
typically.
but everyone screws up once in a while, even the best of them according to the bandage stretching down his throat that makes juno's mouth twist in discomfort. there's a feeling of helplessness in waking up to all of this. to people he knows frozen in sleep and to a station with screens staring down a dragon that doesn't seem real at all. ]
Guess that's what you get when you go raising overgrown lizards from the dead. I'd be starving too.
[ he nudges a chair out from a small desk nearby, hooking his ankle around it and dropping himself into it haphazardly, with his hands still stuffed into his pockets. he hasn't been invited to stay, nor has he even asked, but it's rare juno asks to do what he does to begin with it all. and it sounds like... he's missed a lot. so first things first, he guesses: ] So who are you?
[ big. sigh. ]
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Peter leans forward slightly, still watching Juno's expressions and body language closely.]
Alexander Noble. An interplanetary explorer, though honestly I haven't needed to provide much of a backstory to anyone so far.
[Lord knows why he feels like he needs to lie about it after the end of their worlds, except that it's what he's done for 20 years and isn't sure exactly how to just be Peter Nureyev.
He does have some reasons, to be fair. They aren't really as important or legitimate as that fact.]
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Alexander Noble. It could be worse.
[ trying it out in the way he has with all of nureyev's aliases. said with some disbelief and critique because these names are always so weird why do you roll like this you shady fox. never mind. don't answer that. he already knows.
there's a little huff here, a half-laugh that sounds tired, but braced in the familiarity of at least part of the situation. ]
You ever have to hold a cover for more than half a year, Nureyev?
[ he's not using that other weird name. not here. ]
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The fact that Juno plants himself more directly when Peter leans forward is...interesting. He wonders idly what would happen if he were to get up and walk over to the detective now. That didn't look like a flight response, but then...does Juno Steel run from danger? No. He runs into it. It does sort of look like he's bracing himself for something.
Peter leans back. He doesn't feel like pushing his luck just yet.]
I haven't, truthfully. The longest I've ever spent in one place was on Mars, while I was working for Miasma.
[There's this moment. This pause. Minute, but Peter goes just a little still in the few seconds after he says her name. It's not a personal thing. It's having forgotten for a brief second that reminding Juno of that whole mess might not go well for him.
Everyone screws up once in a while.
It only takes a flash of reaction, of emotion, and then he's moving on.]
But no, that wasn't one single identity.
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miasma is a whole other story, one that makes the lid over juno's new eye flinch as if on reflex as he finds nureyev's eyes with a sort of half-shrug. she was... an ordeal, and some days juno is sure he still feels the hiss of her memory rooted around in the back of his skull. she's hard to forget.
and then the moment ends, and juno blinks. nureyev's back. ]
Sure you're not gonna get tired of Noble?
[ a tilt of the head, both eyes squinting a little. his hands come together, lacing fingers together, thumb worrying thumb. ]
A different naming scheme won't hurt you, y'know.
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Just bad enough.
And of course, Juno has every right to it. He'd suffered more than Peter, and for longer. All that blood and those endless tests. All Peter had to do was flip cards. He doesn't even know what Misasma did to ensure Juno's compliance after he escaped. Nothing good. He knows that.
Part of him wants to needle further, to figure out the true extent of what he expects are Juno's feelings about him. To see what's salvageable, if anything. But he doesn't quite yet.]
Well, I'm not sure it matters if I do. Disappearing here is significantly more difficult.
[And if he can't run, then he can't really pick up a new identity, can he?
That second part he's just...not going to dignify with an answer. Besides, he has an observation of his own:]
It looks like you found a powerful ally of your own.
[A little flourish of his hand towards Juno's eye and the Theia. He'd noticed it the moment - well, maybe not the moment - Juno walked through the door. But that little twitch brought it to the forefront of his mind again.]
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ah.
juno watches that little gesture and touches his cheek slightly. the theia adjusts almost self-consciously and juno shrugs it off, shaking his head. ] Ended up taking a job with this politician who just... he came out of nowhere, Nureyev. No records that weren't recent about... making soup kitchens and a whole lot of other too-good-to-be-true junk. He's been running for mayor in Hyperion and I - [ god this story sounds a little lame and juno's eyes travel a little from nureyev to the corner of the room and back. it's clear in the waver in his voice that like with everything else, juno barely trusts this "politician." there's a note of something in it as well, like he's grasping for something. his own reasoning, to convince himself that he's made the right choice. ]
Well, I took it. This guy, Ramses O'Flaherty, he's got good plans for the city. Might actually do something decent for Hyperion that it hasn't had in all the years it's spent in the gutter since Pereyra got elected. The guy hired me on as a personal PI... bodyguard kind of deal, but obviously - [ a vague wave to his eye ] - he wanted someone with a functioning pair of eyes so. Paid for the surgery to have this installed in my head a couple of weeks ago.
[ a strained kind of laugh follows, a half bark really. ]
He didn't mention that it talks back. So uh. Not a big fan but an eye's an eye...
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As soon as Juno mentions the man coming out of nowhere, though, Peter's eyebrow hikes up a little. All of it does sound a little too good to be true. A politician who came out of nowhere? Who has no records and the only records that are available are positive?
...It sounds like a scam. Except the fact that it sounds like a scam almost makes Peter think it might not be. It's a hair too obvious. Hm.]
Well. He sounds impressive.
[He doesn't have to ask if Juno really believes this Ramses to be genuine. It's clear as day in his voice that he's trying to force himself to be sure. Which means he isn't.
...And it doesn't matter much anymore, does it?]
Though...I think Hyperion City has more to worry about than corrupt officials, now.
[It's actually gentle, the way he says it. The look on his face as he does. A quiet reminder of the fact that, well, there's no mayor of Hyperion City anymore. There's no Hyperion City at all.]
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the tone of nureyev's voice shifts to something a little softer when he speaks, and juno's hands come together tightly. the storm. there's a disbelief that's imprinted itself all over his brain (no way, no how, it can't have happened, they're goddamn lying) and it's hard to shake. hell, juno likely won't shake it for a while because it's like having a piece of you that's kept you going for so long literally punched straight out of your chest like your last breath of air. for a moment he doesn't respond, like he's trying to find the words. ]
Yeah, you know -
[ normally he's not at a lack.
but he hadn't exactly expected to see nureyev here, not that he isn't relieved, not that he hadn't wanted him to be here, like he doesn't already think about him in those quiet moments on his own. ]
Big, mean old world. [ tight-lipped, receding. ] Couldn't do a goddamn thing about it. What good am I, right?
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[His voice is still a little bit soft, but there's another tone in there that Juno should also probably be familiar with. Chiding, and almost (but not quite) exasperated. It's halfway to a sigh. Of course that's Juno's response.]
It's ridiculous to think that this was on your shoulders. Or any one person's shoulders for that matter.
[Even as Peter chides him, the look on his face is lightly fond, actually. In the wake of such an utterly characteristic response from Juno, Peter has forgotten himself a little. There's the man he fell in love with. The one with impossibly high standards for himself. Peter is trying to avoid scaring Juno off, so that flash of emotion across his face is unplanned but also potentially unwise.]
If our rescuers, who can freeze entire cities in time, couldn't stop the advance of this Storm then it can't possibly be your fault and only your fault.
[He's leaning forward again, an emphasis to his words.]
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It's just not right.
[ juno knows the tone held in nureyev's voice almost too well. not raised to shout, thin on patience, but seeming to try and understand him. he half balks inwardly, thumb worrying at one of his knuckles as he hears peter shift forward a little to lean.
he doesn't want to look up, every fiber of his being says not to because it's like standing on the edge of something terrifying and unknown, a bottomless pit that he feels he's still only scraped the surface of. but he does, a look of half-comprehension on his face because something has to be his fault. something he missed, something he could have done.
but nureyev reminds him: it's bigger than him. hell, it's bigger than the both of them isn't it? that alone is still hard to wrap around his brain, the idea that hyperion's been swallowed up by some devastating storm and the remaining few are asleep. they don't even know. juno wants to say that city was all he had. but maybe it wouldn't be the truth, looking at nureyev now, but reminding himself that he made that bed, or got out of it, rather. ]
And I know crap in the world isn't always fair. [ juno doesn't lean back, lingers. ] I can't shake the feeling that I'm a bug under a glass here than someone who just got rescued.
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[What ulterior motive, Peter isn't entirely sure. He's not the detective, after all. But really, it's a lot of work for someone to go through for sheer altruism.
...Which isn't to say that some people can't be bafflingly altruistic. Peter just doesn't believe it would happen on this scale.
Peter is looking at Juno, and Juno is looking back at him. This feels...too comfortable. For all that they're discussing the end of a world (worlds, really) and the questionable altruism of the Natha. It’s almost like their last few days together - from Peter’s perspective anyway - never happened. And that sense of dissonance is slower to build in Peter than it is in Juno, but it isn’t absent. But contrary to Juno's strategy of bracing himself for something terrible, Peter...seeks it out. Or starts to, anyway. He has his methods.]
Are you alright, by the way? Losing Hyperion City...I know it meant so much to you.
[There isn't, in fact, a lick of censure in his voice, just vague concern. But he thinks it will provoke...something. Hopefully not just Juno being mood. But at least that.]
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god looking at nureyev is hard.
especially when he's so goddamn calm about all of it. ]
I'm fine.
[ it comes out fast, impact sharp, like that's the most ridiculous question of the day he's been asked. he doesn't feel fine, but he's got to be right? he's got to hold this shit together. he's still got something to cling to in all of this. those people asleep in cryo, the person sitting in front of him even though he feels that he doesn't deserve this weird in-between-concern-and-nonchalance that nureyev his offering him. ]
It's gone. I get it. Can we just -
[ get on with the rest of it? just drive the rest of the knife in or however poetic you wanna get about it? his throat works briefly. every mention makes it even more real than before and juno needs to. he needs to not think about it because it's already consuming him enough. between this and nureyev staring him in the face... it's a lot. ]
- Got bigger fish to fry, don't we?
[ "we" is a weird word. and he doesn't feel like he deserves to say it. ]
How do you feel about all this, huh?
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...This isn't the something. But it's interesting in its own right. The way Juno says he's fine, like he's everything else besides fine. And fair enough, it was a loaded question. He hadn't expected him to say yes. At least not to say it and mean it honestly.
He'd say that he knows he doesn't understand what Juno's going through - it's been so long since he's been tied to anywhere or anyone - but that's not completely true. Actually, distinctly untrue. Especially since Ysverai's presence scraped raw a memory that wasn't so old to begin with. Never mind the scabbed over wound of a loss from long ago. But all the same, Peter is good at not feeling those things so acutely. Is good at putting them away to think about them never. Or hardly ever.
But he didn't mean to hurt Juno this way and as soon as he hears the sound of his voice and notices the way that he swallows, Peter...backs off. He could so easily call Juno's bluff, but he chooses not to.]
I suppose we do. [The question gets a small nonchalant shrug, a half-gesture with one shoulder.] I can't say I'm particularly pleased about the idea of the Storm but El Nysa is just another place for me, really. It isn't as if I've really lost anything.
[Especially since Juno was saved. Especially since he's awake now.
But. This is still talking about now without addressing then. Peter needs to know where he stands.
His tack changes. Maybe a bit abruptly.]
Juno. I'm sorry. [For as abrupt a conversational turn as this is, Peter's voice doesn't change that much. It's maybe a hair softer, but he manages to hold on to most of that easy nonchalance. It's definitely easier to do with the first half. But he does have something to follow that apology with. Quickly, before Juno can think that he's still talking about Hyperion City or Mars.] Whatever it is I did to...drive you away.
[He's not looking at Juno now. He shifts, lifts a hand so he can look at his nails. As if this doesn't matter when it's very clear that it does. It's harder to hang onto that in the second half. And Peter really is a consummate actor but...well. There are cracks this time. The faintest of vocal tremors, the way he looks just a little too hard at his nails. The clues are there, anyway.]
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and then it happens... nureyev happens. an apology happens.
it's the voice.
juno has always been incredibly keen with nureyev's voice - distinct, warm, under all his various disguises, still his. this one is... it's a little raw. and pulling it in with the words that come out of his goddamn mouth, juno is...
he's at a loss for what to say in response at first, watching simply as nureyev holds it together between staring at nails that don't need staring at, posturing himself like everything is a-okay and he hasn't just apologized for something that isn't his fault to begin with. owning up to a problem that he never created in the first place. juno's voice drops to the pit of his stomach. something in him spills - the heaviness of his clothes when he'd put them back on, the moment he'd held himself in the doorway watching the light catch on nureyev's face, his teeth, the curve of his shoulder. ]
No. [ his brows draw, confusion - realization hitting him over and over again, percussive in its insistence. and then he shakes his head, like he doesn't want him to misunderstand where it comes from. ] You didn't drive me off. You didn't do anything like that, [ and again: ] it wasn't you. [ offer a lady the universe, everything there is - thrills, romance, all the mystery he could ever want, hand in hand - and watch how fast he runs away from it. ]
It was me. [ vehement, final. the "eureka!" of a case, but rougher and more guilty-sounding. because juno's known the answer since he insisted peter drive them back to hyperion over olympus mons, since he said "yes." it kept him up that night, argued with him, fought with him, ate away at him through the hours into the early morning. ] It was my fault.
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It's a small sound. Not amused, something that sounds almost involuntary. It's just...isn't that the oldest answer in the book? The easiest way to let someone down when you don't quite want to hurt them. Peter's never had the "it's not you, it's me" speech leveled at him before. What a rare experience.
At least...it seems to mean that Juno wants to spare his feelings. That's apparent, especially in the guilty tone of his voice. That's...good. If he thought Peter was a monster, he wouldn't feel the need to soften the blow. It doesn't rule out his other worry - dangerous irredeemable monster - but it lessens it.
Looking up from his nails takes him a moment. Not sure what he'll see when he looks at Juno and finding himself reluctant to discover it. Pity, maybe, which would be...less terrible than revulsion but not by much.
His own expression is still mostly smooth as he meets Juno's eyes. Mostly. Some reluctance, some hope, some mistrust. A glimmer of hurt that he's trying his best to bury beneath the other emotions. Trying to draw a blanket over all of them, honestly, but...Juno is his weakness.]
Explain it to me, Juno.
[His voice is soft in some ways, but there's unspoken steel behind it. He's not...angry. Or, rather, he's had time to be angry already. Even that was short-lived because if he's being honest, he knew. Knew and ignored it because he was so goddamn happy and so tired and he was willing to overlook what he knew in his heart. For one night. It was his fault, too, for letting himself be lulled into the fiction. But: he's not angry and yet Juno owes him this. As much as anyone owes anyone anything. And the steel is that implication. The insistence on a reason. If he knows, he can move on. Or they can fix it.]
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in his eyes, there's guilt, remorse, something he's trying to reach for in the dark.
he owes nureyev this.
he owes the world a lot of things sure, but this... this he owes nureyev now doesn't he? he can tell that nureyev is waiting, that there's a hardness in his voice that is both expectant in a way that says they aren't leaving the room without words being exchanged about what exactly was going through juno's head that night. he brings his hands together slowly, letting his fingers brush his knuckles as he laces them together and leans heavily on his knees. ]
It was too good. [ he starts this way because it's the only way he knows how. straight and to the point. looking up at nureyev is a feat in and of itself - it feels as though he's got a hand pushing his head down to stare at the floor and he fights it to meet his eyes for mere seconds before turning his eyes down again. ] What you were offering, back in the hotel, I wanted it so badly. [ a life with peter nureyev, sailing through the stars, unstoppable. ] But I couldn't leave Hyperion... okay?
[ something in juno's voice wells up quiet and rough, raking against something soft. implied. i wanted to give it all up. to leave with you. to have that happy ending. that new beginning. that bright and beautiful future. but juno can't bring himself to let the words leave his mouth because it'll just make it seem like he deserves it, those good things, when he deserves none of them whatsoever. he sucks in a breath tightly: ] I ruin everything, Nureyev, for everyone. I come, I make a mess, I can't fix it. And a future with you... it sounds great. Too good to be true. [ a half laugh that sounds like it's choking on itself more than anything ] It isn't that I didn't want to, okay? I wanted it. Badly... But I always make a mess of everything. Hell, I went and made a mess before it even goddamn started because I couldn't help myself and I know it was stupid and it was selfish.
[ an echo of sasha in his head, faint. ]
So I get it if you don't want to deal with me.
[ the words tumble out faster than he can catch them. ]
I screwed it all up because I screw everything up. That's just how it goes, Nureyev. It's how it's always been. [ it was inevitable, in juno's mind. there is no happy ending, not for him. but for nureyev? there could be if maybe he just stayed out of his way. ]
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[His first answer, not entirely linear in the scheme of everything Juno just said. He's digesting it all, but his mind alights on I come, I make a mess, I can't fix it and it's what he decides to address first. It's the easiest, anyway.]
I've done my research, if you'll recall.
[The rest of that is...harder to digest, and Peter takes a little longer to do it. It's not what he expected at all. And yet...
Peter remembers. It's been a very long time since he's felt anything like what Juno is describing. For the most part, Peter fully believes in the vision of the beautiful future he'd spun for Juno. For Peter, at least, good things aren't a trap. They're things that will absolutely come to him, whether they come willingly or with a bit of persuasion. He doesn't stop to think about them very much at all. It's a given.
But there was a time...there was a time when there was a young boy who didn't trust a good thing. Maybe not because he'd ruin it, but because good things didn't happen to little boys who grew up on the streets. Good things were dangerous. And he can see how that's true for Juno. In a way.]
You're right. [His voice is soft again, counterpoint to his words.] If you made that decision to try and protect me, then it was selfish.
[Peter knows that's not all of it, and he knows it isn't that simple. It isn't just that Juno was trying to protect him. On some level, he realizes just how much he was asking of Juno by inviting him on their great adventure.]
But I still want that future. I still believe in it.
[He still wants to "deal" with Juno. And, unspoken: he still loves him.]
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yeah that's right. he is selfish. he presses his lips together, mind caught up back in the throes of that one night - martian dawn creeping over the sheets and the idea of some grander future spread out wide like a buffet. and it makes juno sick to think about so much laid out in front of him, offered to him so brazenly. he doesn't want to admit he's scared of it. because that's silly. scared of a good thing?
no, he just doesn't deserve it.
he bites the inside of his cheek hard as nureyev says that one word that sounds so goddamn magical from his lips.
future. ]
Nureyev...
[ is all he manages, and he can't keep his voice from faltering a little, unsure.
you can always back out, it says. i'm not worth it, it says. ]
You really sure about that?
[ you too, it says. ]
symbolic forehead kisses
weeps
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