[ at this point juno would rather find the nearest airlock and eject himself out of it. or somehow sink into the metallic floor of the station. he'd rather do anything but this, but simultaneously there's a weight that feels like it has two solid hands wrapped around it, ready to bear the weight of whatever it is he has to say to nureyev. it won't lift it off him completely - juno steel has a mountain's worth of stones that need lifting off his soul. but this...
in his eyes, there's guilt, remorse, something he's trying to reach for in the dark.
he owes nureyev this.
he owes the world a lot of things sure, but this... this he owes nureyev now doesn't he? he can tell that nureyev is waiting, that there's a hardness in his voice that is both expectant in a way that says they aren't leaving the room without words being exchanged about what exactly was going through juno's head that night. he brings his hands together slowly, letting his fingers brush his knuckles as he laces them together and leans heavily on his knees. ]
It was too good. [ he starts this way because it's the only way he knows how. straight and to the point. looking up at nureyev is a feat in and of itself - it feels as though he's got a hand pushing his head down to stare at the floor and he fights it to meet his eyes for mere seconds before turning his eyes down again. ] What you were offering, back in the hotel, I wanted it so badly. [ a life with peter nureyev, sailing through the stars, unstoppable. ] But I couldn't leave Hyperion... okay?
[ something in juno's voice wells up quiet and rough, raking against something soft. implied. i wanted to give it all up. to leave with you. to have that happy ending. that new beginning. that bright and beautiful future. but juno can't bring himself to let the words leave his mouth because it'll just make it seem like he deserves it, those good things, when he deserves none of them whatsoever. he sucks in a breath tightly: ] I ruin everything, Nureyev, for everyone. I come, I make a mess, I can't fix it. And a future with you... it sounds great. Too good to be true. [ a half laugh that sounds like it's choking on itself more than anything ] It isn't that I didn't want to, okay? I wanted it. Badly... But I always make a mess of everything. Hell, I went and made a mess before it even goddamn started because I couldn't help myself and I know it was stupid and it was selfish.
[ an echo of sasha in his head, faint. ]
So I get it if you don't want to deal with me.
[ the words tumble out faster than he can catch them. ]
I screwed it all up because I screw everything up. That's just how it goes, Nureyev. It's how it's always been. [ it was inevitable, in juno's mind. there is no happy ending, not for him. but for nureyev? there could be if maybe he just stayed out of his way. ]
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in his eyes, there's guilt, remorse, something he's trying to reach for in the dark.
he owes nureyev this.
he owes the world a lot of things sure, but this... this he owes nureyev now doesn't he? he can tell that nureyev is waiting, that there's a hardness in his voice that is both expectant in a way that says they aren't leaving the room without words being exchanged about what exactly was going through juno's head that night. he brings his hands together slowly, letting his fingers brush his knuckles as he laces them together and leans heavily on his knees. ]
It was too good. [ he starts this way because it's the only way he knows how. straight and to the point. looking up at nureyev is a feat in and of itself - it feels as though he's got a hand pushing his head down to stare at the floor and he fights it to meet his eyes for mere seconds before turning his eyes down again. ] What you were offering, back in the hotel, I wanted it so badly. [ a life with peter nureyev, sailing through the stars, unstoppable. ] But I couldn't leave Hyperion... okay?
[ something in juno's voice wells up quiet and rough, raking against something soft. implied. i wanted to give it all up. to leave with you. to have that happy ending. that new beginning. that bright and beautiful future. but juno can't bring himself to let the words leave his mouth because it'll just make it seem like he deserves it, those good things, when he deserves none of them whatsoever. he sucks in a breath tightly: ] I ruin everything, Nureyev, for everyone. I come, I make a mess, I can't fix it. And a future with you... it sounds great. Too good to be true. [ a half laugh that sounds like it's choking on itself more than anything ] It isn't that I didn't want to, okay? I wanted it. Badly... But I always make a mess of everything. Hell, I went and made a mess before it even goddamn started because I couldn't help myself and I know it was stupid and it was selfish.
[ an echo of sasha in his head, faint. ]
So I get it if you don't want to deal with me.
[ the words tumble out faster than he can catch them. ]
I screwed it all up because I screw everything up. That's just how it goes, Nureyev. It's how it's always been. [ it was inevitable, in juno's mind. there is no happy ending, not for him. but for nureyev? there could be if maybe he just stayed out of his way. ]